The Funnies

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Humorous stories and anecdotes that we have picked up, read, seen, or been told as we sailed the South Pacific. Where they have been copied form a magazine we will always try to credit the publisher whenever possible. To all those who have provided funnies we thank you..

 

  • And Less likely to disturb the sleep g tanker crew who are supposed to be monitoring

Last year, while Mike Brady, Peter Cassidy, and Jeff Hazelton were circumnavigating aboard their 32-foot Pearson Vanguard, Vagabond, they were dismasted off the Cape of Good Hope. But we learned that the dismasting didn't really get then down.

  • Proof is a list that Brady published, in the newsletter the crew sent to friends, of a Top Ten Reasons Why Loosing a Mast Is Actually a Good Thing.

     

    1. Makes a great story at a party
    2. Heaps of sympathy from potential beer donors
    3. No boom to bang your head on
    4. One less navigational hazard to low flying aircraft
    5. More room for Frisbee on the foredeck
    6. No place for seagulls to perch
    7. No longer confused with New Zealand's Black Magic
    8. A sleeker profile
    9. No more annoyance from banging halyards
    10. Less stress on the hull
(Reprint from Sail Magazine February 1997)
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  • The other woman was a Beneteau

A sailor we know was recently thumbing through a copy of one his wives magazines when he comes across an article that included a quiz designed to measure the respondents capacity for achieving domestic bliss. The sailor decided it was best to quietly put the magazine away, however, when the quiz asked him to complete the thought "Home is..." and the first thing that popped into his head was "where you keep extra boat gear."
(Reprint from Sail Magazine February 1997)
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  • A flake by any other name

Debbie Peters of Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada, tells us that when a crew of Canadians were returning from chartering in the Caribbean last winter, the skipper thought it might be a good time for a quiz on some of the sailing terminology he introduced during the cruise. Among the favorites were:
 
In Irons: Punishment for three failed attempts at anchoring
Stanchion: Odor coming from the backed-up head
Freeboard: Portion of the deck reserved for sunning
Fluke: Getting the anchor set the first try
Gibe: Dance performed on deck
Bitter End: What friendships can come to during a long voyage
Broad Reach: Often, the distance between you and your drink
Boomvang: Horrendous noise made by powerboats
(Reprint from Sail Magazine March 1997)

 

 

  • If you want to have fun for 1 day
    Get Drunk
    If you want to have fun for 1 week
    Get Married
    If you want to have fun for a lifetime
    Buy a SAILBOAT!!!
This little poem is starting to pop up all over the globe. It was first spotted in the Azores some years ago. I have seen it carved in several places throughout French Polynesia - Comment from the editor of Tradewinds
(Reprint from Tradewinds Newsletter (Pacific Cruising Association) - August 1997)
 
 
 
  • What will They Think Of Next

A Florida firm has recently revealed plans for a circumnavigating city called Freedom. In the words of creator Engineering Solutions, Inc. of Sarasota, it will be "an ideal community" that offers "a safe and comfortable haven from the trials and traumas of modern societies," an alternative to a tropical island community where "life gets boring" and "natives (are) not always friendly."

Freedom will have 21,000 residential and commercial units. It will carry more then 50,000 residents, 15,000 employees and 20,000 visitors as it motors in a slow two-year circumnavigation. Of course, it will have an array of support facilities from medical to educational, recreational and, naturally, duty-free shopping.

After three years of design and development, Project Manager Norman Nixon is hoping to start construction of the gargantuan vessel-city in October to have it operational by the new millennium.
Freedom will be 4,320 feet long, or 4/5ths of a mile, 725 feet wide, 30 stories high and will displace roughly 2.7 million tons with a maximum 26-foot draft. It will carry a 6-month supply of fuel for the 150 diesel engines, each with 3,500 horsepower.

The promotional literature claims the ship's safety will not be threatened by forces of nature, whether a 100-foot wave or hurricane-force winds. "She is wider than she is tall, so it makes her naturally stable," Nixon said.

It's steel hull will have a base consisting of 423 individual airtight cells. The brochure boasts that it will be "the safest and strongest ship afloat."
 
(Reprint from Sailing Magazine - July 1997/Tradewinds Newsletter (Pacific Sailing Association) - August 1997)
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  • Noah's Ark - A Modern Tale

    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "in six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people destroyed. But I want to save a few people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I'm ordering you to build Ma an Ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.


  • "Ok," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.
    And six months passed.


  • The skies began to cloud up and the rain began to fall, The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.


  • "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did me best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether on not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."


  • "Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl."


  • "Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."


  • Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. Then the Army Corps., of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent then a globe."


  • "And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax."


  • "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.


  • The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.


  • "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse that a Flood. Something Man invented himself."


  • "What's that?" asked Noah.


  • There was a long pause, and the Lord spoke: "Government"

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    (Reprint from Tradewinds Newsletter (Pacific Cruising Association) - July 1997)

 



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Revised: 19 September, 2005 .